New Year’s Resolutions?

I resolve I won’t swear (so much) on the golf course.

I resolve I’ll save money every month.

I resolve I’ll lose 10, 20, 30 pounds.

I’m 100 pounds overweight.  When my svelte friends announce, “I need to lose 10 pounds,” I eye them like a deer hunter measuring a rack for his trophy wall.  ”Really?” I say.  ”I was thinking you ought to drop 20.”

New Year’s resolutions are a setup for failure; they specify the “shoulds” in life and generate guilt.  ”Shoulds” designate only one course of action and one possible outcome.  They “shouldn’t” be used.

For example, suppose I resolve to be more tolerant of my inlaws.  But then my mother in law re-explains my lumpy mashed potato problem.  I tense up at her criticism.  My gut wrenches because I’m breaking my resolution.  I’m a walking knot.

Or suppose I say, “I should lose 10, 20, 30….”. That “should” is a psychological whip that scars internally.

A resolution is a promise to ourselves.  Therefore, I promise myself–

I will eat potatoes, lumpy, smooth, or fired.
I will not knock over the elderly at midnight sales.  Youth may need to adjust as necessary.
I will not cut into the women’s restroom line.  If there is no line at the men’s, we may want to reconsider all our old “shoulds.”
I will try to lose that 10 …., but no one, including me, gets to tell me “I should.”

Liberian churchgoers write their prayers on paper scraps which they burn so the smoke and their hopes fly straight to God.  Perhaps we too “should” burn our resolutions.

 

Santa

At 21, I was poor with a young child.  Christmas came and Santa delivered in his magical way, but a few days later my son, Gabe, was quiet and sullen.  I inquired, “What’s wrong?”

He looked at me with watery brown eyes and asked, “Why does Santa love Jerome, and Christopher, and Stevie, and Rachel more than me?  I thought I was a really good boy this year.”  He ticked off all the things he had done, trying hard to please Santa: “I brushed my teeth without you telling me. I said please and thank you just like you said.”  And then he sobbed. “I was really good.”

The governor’s office has reported that “more than 100,000 [Michigan] citizens remain without a place to call home; and… more than 50 percent of Michigan’s homeless population consists of families, and the number of families affected by homelessness or at risk of having inadequate or unstable housing continues to grow.”

Those 25 years ago I tried to reassure my son that he was the best boy ever.  I told him Santa doesn’t play favorites.

“But, Mom” he countered, “Jerome and all those guys got everything they asked for.  They got even more than they asked for. I asked for Rock Em Sock Em Robots, just that one thing, that’s all I wanted.  But I got a Raggedy Andy doll.  Mom, I tried to be good.”

I scooped my four year old up and fought my own tears. “You’re right, Gabe, it isn’t fair.  I’ll try to find out why this is, but know this: you are a very good and wonderful boy and I love you very much.”  I doubted it mattered much.

I wrote to Mrs. Santa Claus knowing that Santa was probably exhausted from his world travels.  I asked why Santa seemed to favor some children.  I asked if they really were better behaved.  She answered.

It is our policy, known as the Claus Clause, that we never give children gifts that their parent/s could not afford.  Santa is only in their life, and secretly at that, for one day/night a year.   In short, we don’t want to embarrass parents.  Because of this Claus clause, no child has ever stated they love Santa more than they love those they live with. Please tell Gabriel that Santa knows he has been a very good boy.  

I showed Gabe Mrs. Claus’ letter.  He was silent again but when I asked what he thought he said, “I know I’m good, ‘cause you tell me all the time.   I still wish I had that Rock Em Sock Em set but it’s okay. I thought Santa didn’t know how good I was.”  And then he went on playing with the marbles Santa had brought.

Gabe slept with that letter from Mrs. Claus under his pillow for a week.  And then one morning it was gone, disappearing into thin air like Santa and the reindeer.

I never lived in a car, but I think of that four year old wondering why he wasn’t good enough to receive the gifts Santa gave others.  Christmas is the chance to be Santa’s helper.

Local banks collect Toys for Tots and support food drives and angel trees that let you select a child and or family to gift.  Nursing homes and hospitals need visitors; just ask at the service desk who might need one.  Talk with your pastor to assist a family in need.  Ask your friends and family about a favorite organization. Call the local public school secretary (they do know everything) and ask to be put in touch with a family or child who could use a merrier Christmas.

And don’t remain anonymous; receiving can be difficult and very humbling.  Allow parents to show their gratitude.  It may be hard but it could also prove to be the greatest gift you receive all year.

 

 

 

Blending a Family for the Holidays

I recently talked with a mother of two teenage kids who this year divorced her first husband. Let’s call her Sara. During our conversation, I said that depending on what statistics you look at, the divorce rate is anywhere from 42 to 49 percent – and that’s just the first marriage. It rises for a second and reaches into the 70 percentile if it’s a third marriage.
Sara wasn’t surprised so I forged ahead.
“It really is time that we stop looking at divorce as a failure and stop calling families broken. Divorce is one of the hardest life decisions anyone will ever face. As friends and family members, we need to realize that we add to the trauma by picking sides. Instead, we should consider what the kids have to deal with. We continually tell them that the divorce isn’t their fault.”
My friend looked at me quizzically because we both know whose fault her divorce is. In fact, everybody always knows whose fault his or her divorce was.
“That’s my point,” I said. “We need to stop assigning blame. We tell our kids it isn’t their fault, maybe even tell them that it isn’t anyone’s fault, that we still love them and we will always be their mom or dad – they don’t have a choice.”
Sara said she’d had that very conversation with her kids. I pushed on.
“As a community we must learn to embrace divorce the way we tell our children to. We don’t need to take sides. It isn’t anyone’s fault. People change. Sometimes people make better friends than partners and, most importantly, we’re still both happy the kids are here, right?”
Sara shrugged that shrug that says, “Of course.” So now, I took a deep breath and described a conversation that could happen with modern divorced parents during the holidays, for example.
“Hello, Ed (the ex-husband). I’m calling to see if you and Shelley (his new girlfriend) and Sean and Steve (her kids) can come to Thanksgiving dinner? I’m also inviting Lorrie (my new husband’s ex-wife) and her husband Bob. Their kids will be here too. Oh, and my Dad and Dennis’ parents are also coming. Your mom isn’t sure of her plans yet, but you’re more than welcome to invite Shelley’s folks if you’d like. I’m planning on dinner at 2 p.m. Talk it over with Shelley and get back to me. The kids are really excited about having everyone.”
At this point, I looked at Sara who was staring blankly at me. Full of good cheer, I said, “Seriously, if what we want is the best for our kids, this is how it should be.” I paused, waiting for her to recognize the brilliance of my insights and to congratulate me on being a genius.
Finally without expression she raised her voice, “Are you on drugs?” she asked. “I don’t think I’ll be trying that this year.”
Three days later, she called. “I’m haunted by that idea. I know it makes sense and it’s the right thing to do for the kids, but there’s no way I can do it. Not yet. Besides, I don’t have enough room.”
I laughed and said, “I know what you mean but it’s a good goal, right? I mean, what do you want your kids to be thankful for?”
If having all the ex spouses and new family over for turkey is too much, here are a few suggestions for your blends:
• Create new traditions. You could, for example, serve a picnic on the living room floor, go for a family walk after dinner or take leftovers to a homeless shelter. Gather a bucket of pebbles or gravel and set up a small table. Then place a pebble on the table for each great memory you have from this past year and see how high you can make the pile. This becomes the mountain of gratitude.
• If you are alone while your children are at their other home, make a date with someone or reach out to a friend.
• Take a trip.
• Volunteer at a church or soup kitchen.
• Enjoy the peace and quiet if being alone makes you feel good.
• The holidays are about gratitude, giving, and loving. Put yourself at the top of the list.

Sue Ellen Pabst, LMSW, is an outpatient mental health talk therapist with Transitions: Counseling Services in Greenville. She can be reached at 616 -754-9420 or on her website at www.TalkWithSueEllen.com.

 

Battling Grief during the Holiday Season Part 1

Battling Grief during the Holiday Season Part 1

The holidays can be challenging enough to combat things like depression and seasonal affective disorder, however, the loss of a loved one can place immense emotional pressure on a person during a stressful and emotional time period.

The loss of a loved one is a traumatic event that upsets an individual’s psyche and can cause a downward spiral emotionally.

Over the next couple of blogs, I will be addressing how one can better enjoy the holiday season rather than be consumed with grief and guilt. My goals for you are simple:

1. I want you to allow yourself and your surviving loved ones to truly enjoy and celebrate one another and the holidays.
2. Honor the loved one that has died by continuing traditions or rituals and consider making new ones.
3. Grieve in a healthy manner. I will be talking about this later.

So what exactly is grief?

According to Webster’s Dictionary, “keen mental suffering or distress over an affliction or loss,” there is “sharp sorrow and painful regret.” Each person experiences this painful condition differently.

It typically is not welcome or appreciated and is very painful, but grief is actually normal and healthy. That may sound like a contradiction but it is a natural reaction to loss and is not pathological or a disorder. In fact, I would tend to be more concerned about those individuals that cannot or do not experience grief or claim they do not. Of course allowing grief to consume your life is not healthy and if not dealt with properly it can, over time, cause emotional issues and move you into depression.

Here are some of the signs associated with unhealthy grief.

1. Difficulty thinking of anything other than the person who has died. (It should be noted that this falls in the range of “normal” in the first two months following their death.  Three months or more of thinking only about this person becomes unhealthy.)
2. Demonizing the deceased person for leaving you and feeling abandoned.
3. Finding it impossible to live in the moment. Ignoring the needs of those around you.
4. Feeling helpless.
5. Experiencing guilt.  Are there “should ofs” and “could ofs” that have been left open?

To begin the “healing process” and facing your grief, consider implementing these actions into your life.

1. Use avoidance. This may sound a little drastic but if you can re-direct your attention elsewhere, away from the loss, you will be avoiding the power grief may have over you.
2. DO NOT avoid those that are still living and need you. Use that interaction to help pull your mind away from the consuming thoughts of your loss.
3. Set time aside occasionally to remember. Tell or write the story of your relationship and explain how the loss makes you feel. Often times if we can purge the emotions some place we can deal with it better.  Journaling can be an effective method.
4. If writing does not come easy to you then set time aside periodically and remember and grieve your loss. This is best done the day before the holiday or the morning of. Take that alone time to privately grieve and then begin your holiday and enjoying your family and friends.  If your family or those you are spending the holidays with are also grieving you may want to set up a ritual time together.  An example:  Have each person bring a stone that represents the deceased person.  Each person tells about their stone and then places it on a table.  All the stones together create a sort of memorial piece.  Recognize that each of you carries some or many of those same positive traits.  Key: Keep it positive.  Or light a candle and keep it lit in their name for the time the family is gathered.

1. Find a creative way publicly or privately to honor your loved one. Adopt a section of highway in their name and pick up trash in their honor. Start a college scholarship in their name at the local high school. Donate money to a worthy non-profit in their name. The list goes on and on.

The key is to be proactive no matter how difficult you think it may be. Check out my next blog for more helpful information on, “Battling Grief during the Holiday Season.”

 

Talk With Sue Ellen

COMING SOON!